15 Warning Signs Of Manipulation In A Relationship

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When we love someone, we tend to overlook some of their flaws and mistakes, making emotional manipulation in relationships tough to spot or recognize. Manipulation is not confined to just romantic or familial relationships, it can also extend to other parts of your life.

If you are with someone who leaves you feeling obligated or guilty, confused or insecure, you might be in love with a manipulator. Manipulation has patterns of behavior that can help you discern it. This post discusses the various signs and tactics a manipulator uses and ways to handle them.

What Is Manipulation In Relationships

Manipulation is the act of controlling a person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors through words or deeds. The purpose is to hold sway over another person in a way that will benefit them. It can happen in any kind of relationship, close or casual.

Manipulation is also a form of emotional abuse that leaves the victim confused, anxious, depressed, and uncertain about their instincts and emotions. It causes psychological harm to the victim and morphs a healthy relationship into a toxic one. Manipulation is a spectrum that can range from barely noticeable or unintended to calculated and thought-out.

Did you know?

Manipulation is one of the most common traits of narcissism (1).

15 Signs Of Manipulation In A Relationship

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Most of the time, the victim doesn’t realize that their partner is manipulating them. A manipulator knows the victims’ weaknesses and exploits them for their benefit.

1. They make you feel guilty: If you are being emotionally manipulated, you will feel guilty about your actions most of the time. You may find yourself yielding to your partners’ whims and fancies even if you did not want to initially. 
2. They make you lose your sense of self: You start to lose your sense of individuality, identity, and freedom. You become a puppet of your partner’s wishes and bidding, discarding your opinions and interests.
3. They give you the silent treatment: Also known as ‘stonewalling,’ it is a form of punishment where your partner stops conversating or communicating with you if they are unhappy with something. They will continue to give you the silent treatment until you give in to their demands.

4. They isolate you from others: A manipulative partner will separate you from the people you love, so they become the sole person you depend on (2). They may also isolate you if your family and friends dislike them because of their manipulative behavior.
5. They make you apologize all the time: Manipulators will often try to blame you or someone else for something they did. They will play the victim card to justify their actions and make others feel guilty to gain sympathy and attention.
6. They use your insecurities against you: Manipulation stems from deceit, so it is no surprise if the manipulator uses your insecurities to make fun of you. They know your vulnerabilities and use them to cripple your self-confidence. These hurtful remarks will be masked as attempts at jokes or humor.
7. They twist facts and words: Manipulators are good liars. They can exaggerate or play down a situation to their advantage to gain the sympathy and support of other people. They will change their words from time to time, saying something today and then denying it a few days later.
8. They don’t respect your boundaries: Manipulative people do not care about other people’s boundaries. They disregard their partner’s feelings and make it all about themselves.

9. They make you prove your love: Time and again, a manipulative partner will make you prove your love for them. It can vary from little requests to dramatic gestures that would trigger your feelings of guilt and emotions into doing something they want.
10. They use fear to control you: A manipulator uses fear to blackmail you emotionally. They can use whatever private information they have about you and threaten you so that you will comply with their demands (2).
11. They overlook your problems: Whenever you try to share what you’re going through with a manipulative partner, they will bring up similar instances and compare their experience with yours. They will steal the spotlight, forcing you to focus on their problem, not yours.
12. They change topics when it suits them: Manipulative people never take accountability for any wrongs they have committed. If you are trying to call a manipulator out, they will immediately change the topic of conversation to avoid the blame. This makes it difficult to solve any issues healthily.
13. They exercise threats: Manipulative partners can use overt acts such as threats to ensure things go their way. They may threaten to divorce, leave you and your family, or even threaten to self-harm, which may cause you to give in to their demands.
14. They react dramatically: Manipulative people will want all the attention and focus on themselves. If something does not go their way, they find it challenging to manage their emotions. This causes them to throw tantrums and become agitated and aggressive.
15. They use kindness as a weapon: A manipulative partner may be kind to you but with the wrong intentions. They only do nice for you because they expect something in return. They may also use kindness to shape or turn you into someone they want you to be.

Be watchful

Manipulation has four stages; flattery, isolation, devaluing and gaslighting, and fear or violence. Identify this pattern early and save yourself from emotional turmoil.

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Common Tactics Of Manipulation In A Relationship

A manipulator uses various tactics to get what they want from their victim. They are cunning and know what to do to manipulate their partner.

1. Gaslighting: It is one of the most common forms of manipulation. A manipulator distorts their victim’s reality and makes them question their understanding and experience of certain situations. If your partner repeatedly lies to you and you question your knowledge of what happened, they are probably gaslighting you into believing their version of events (3).
2. Love bombing: It is another form of manipulation involving excessive attention, compliments, time, or gifts. They will use these gifts or romantic claims as baggage to justify their maleficent behavior. This is all done during the early stages of the relationship to gain affection, intimacy, and trust, but later on, it might slowly turn into emotional abuse.

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3. Triangulation: It is the act of involving another person in a discussion or argument. The manipulator intends to gain the third person’s support to silence you and your views. If this is done repeatedly, the victim will eventually stop arguing or questioning the manipulator. Triangulation can also make the victim feel isolated, increasing their dependency on the manipulator.
4. Projection: It is a defense mechanism that a manipulator uses to put you in a bad light. Projection is transferring a person’s unpleasant feelings, characteristics, or desires to another person to avoid how it makes them feel or look.
5. Name calling: It is a tactic that manipulative people commonly use to make their partners feel inferior and worthless. It is a form of abuse that attacks their behavior, actions, or personality traits using derogatory words. It may begin as a joke, starting less noticeably, but it will continue to intensify if not stopped.

Dealing With Manipulation In Relationships

For healthy relationships, couples need to make a certain level of compromise and sacrifices for each other. But if you find yourself over-compromising all the time, it’s time to back away from that relationship and stand your ground against your partner’s manipulation.

1. The first step is to recognize your partner’s manipulative behaviors. For this, you must be conscious, self-aware, and think objectively.
2. Then you must have the courage to call or confront them about their behavior. But be prepared as they may further try to manipulate you.
3. You must be specific while confronting your partner and addressing the issue. Do not let them stray the conversation to some other topic.
4. Be honest and tell them about how you’re feeling when they guilt-trip you or use other means of manipulation like overt threats or poking fun at your insecurities.
5. Boundaries should be set to avoid being manipulated. It shows the other person what you will and won’t tolerate. You can also set boundaries for yourself to ensure that the treatment you are receiving is acceptable.
6. If your partner pushes these boundaries and starts abusing you, consider calling it quits.

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Frequently Asked Questions

1. What does manipulation in relationships lead to?

Manipulation in relationships can start off subtle and undetected. It can be disguised as flattery, kindness, or care. After the manipulator has a chokehold on you, they may start using different tactics of manipulation that may intensify to the point of fear or violence.

2. Why do partners become manipulators?

A person becomes manipulative in a relationship to gain control over their partner. They distort the facts and alter reality to conceal their shortcomings and make their partners do what they want.

Manipulation in relationships is unacceptable. Staying in a relationship with a manipulative partner can significantly harm your mental health, confidence, and self-esteem. Identifying the different ways of manipulation can help you understand what kind of relationship you share with your partner. The root causes of this behavior can be identified and worked on, but only if the person is open to change. Lastly, make wise decisions for yourself, even if your partner is against it.

Infographics: Phrases A Manipulative Partner May Use

Manipulators have a way with words that can make you feel guilty, and you can’t say no to their requests. But if you know some of the most common phrases that manipulators use, you may identify the behavior and avoid being manipulated. Check out the infographic to know the common phrases used by a manipulative partner.

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Illustration: Momjunction Design Team

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Amira MartinLicensed Clinical Social Worker

Amira Martin is a licensed clinical social worker practicing in New York. Having done her master’s degree from the Silberman School of Social Work at Hunter College in 2002, she gained over 20 years of experience working with adults and children. Amira is an adjunct lecturer at the Columbia University School of Social Work and the founder of Amira for...more

Benidamika J LatamMA, MSc

Benidamika holds a masters degree in Counseling Psychology from Assam Don Bosco University and another masters degree in English Literature from North Eastern Hill University. At MomJunction, Benidamika writes on human psychology and relationships. Her academic experience in counseling psychology helps her guide readers with useful and well-researched information. The former school teacher is a poet, with her work published...more